(Mobile phone rings)
VOICE: Hello, how are you?
WOMAN: Who is this?
VOICE: It’s Rich. How ya doing?
WOMAN: Oh, it’s you.
(WOMAN pulls face)
How did you get my mobile number?
VOICE: Steve gave it to me.
WOMAN: Oh, did he now? Well, he had no business doing that. What can I do for you?
VOICE: I was wondering if you could do me a favour?
WOMAN: What’s that?
VOICE: Well, you know how you’re presenting the miniature to the Duke of Blah on Friday?
(look of horror on WOMAN’s face)
WOMAN: What? How did you get that information?
VOICE: It’s common knowledge. I heard them talking about it in the pub.
WOMAN: Yeah, but the itinerary isn’t public knowledge. You do know, don’t you, I can’t discuss this with anybody, let alone you?
VOICE: I’m not asking you to divulge any information. I just want you to do something for me. As a friend.
(WOMAN’s voice is high pitched).
You’re not my friend. We know some of the same people, that’s it.
VOICE: There’s no need to be like that. Please, can you at least hear me out?
WOMAN: Oh God, I don’t like the sound of this. Get this over with.
VOICE: Well, you know how the Duke is really a high ranking member of the Illuminati? And you know how behind their human façade, they’re really shape-shifting lizards?
WOMAN: Well, I don’t see it myself, but yes, I know what you’re referring to.
VOICE: Well, as you know, they love human blood. And they need to drink a lot of it in order to maintain their human form.
(WOMAN rolls eyes)
WOMAN: Whatever you say. So how exactly can I help?
VOICE: Well, I’d like you to do something for me during the presentation. I need you to entice him into exposing himself on camera.
WOMAN: What do you mean expose himself?
VOICE: Well, most of them are very picky. This guy particularly likes small Pictish women.
WOMAN: Ah now, that rules me out. I’m definitely not Pictish. They were quite dark, weren’t they? I’m as pasty as they come. Have you thought about ask-?
VOICE: Close enough, though. You’re small and dark-haired. Two out of three ain’t bad. Anyway, he just won’t be able to help himself and he’ll go into a feeding frenzy. He’ll break into a sweat and start foaming at the mouth.
(WOMAN scratches leg)
WOMAN: Really? And you’ll be there to catch it on camera.
VOICE: Exactly. You got it.
WOMAN: And what would I have to do to get his attention?
VOICE: You just have to stand directly in front of him.
WOMAN: But I’ll probably be doing that anyway. Why the phone call?
VOICE: I have to make sure you know the plan. And there’s one more thing. There’s a word you have to say to him, that’ll set him off. Guaranteed.
WOMAN: A word? What’s that then?
(WOMAN rolls eyes again)
VOICE: I can’t say it over the phone. It’s very powerful. I will have to write it down for you. It has to be said in a certain way.
WOMAN: So, let me get this straight. You want to sacrifice me to the bloodsucking king of the lizard people?
WOMAN: Do you not think I might have a problem with that?
VOICE: I don’t see why. I think it’s a great idea.
WOMAN: Even so, do you really expect me to feel flattered? Do you think so little of me that you would be prepared to have me eaten in front of a live audience? I find what you’re proposing quite offensive to be honest.
VOICE: But you would be performing a great service to humanity. Besides, there would be too many people there. You’ll be in no real danger.
WOMAN: And what if he follows me home? I won’t be able to rely on the security services then, that’s assuming that they aren’t lizards as well.
VOICE: He won’t.
WOMAN: How do you know?
VOICE: I just do. That’s not their M.O.
WOMAN: Listen, I’d love to help you, Rich, but if you want to take this any further, you’ll have to do a risk assessment first.
VOICE: Risk assessment?
WOMAN: Yes, risk assessment. You have twenty-four hours.
VOICE: What do you mean, risk assessment?
WOMAN: You know, you’ll need to go on site and scope the place out.
VOICE: What, I’ll never manage that. It’s crawling with sniffer dogs. You know I’m allergic.
WOMAN: Hey, that’s your problem. If you want me to do this, I have to know I’m part of a professional operation. I’ll need to know where all the exits are, where the extinguishers are, how many officers I can rely on, if there are any trained medical personnel on site, where the first aid kit is located, stuff like that.
VOICE: Hang on, I’ll need to write this down.
(sound of shuffling)
WOMAN: And I’ll need a bodyguard. My own bodyguard, fully trained in kung-fu and every martial art known to man. Must have all his certificates. I need somebody who’ll take HIM down not ME if things get out of hand.
VOICE: Bodyguard? Where the hell am I going to get a bodyguard?
WOMAN: You’re the professional, you work it out. Oh my God, did you just hear that click? They’re on to us. Hey, I can’t stay on the line. Listen, I want it on my desk first thing tomorrow morning. Then my peeps will talk to your peeps. Gotta go. Goodbye.
Copyright © M K MacInnes 2016
Image courtesy of cliparts.co
The above transcript is based on actual events.
The names have been, um, changed to protect the, erm, innocent.