Bait

salamander

(Mobile phone rings)

WOMAN: Hello.

VOICE: Hello, how are you?

WOMAN: Who is this?

VOICE: It’s Rich. How ya doing?

WOMAN: Oh, it’s you.

(WOMAN pulls face)

How did you get my mobile number?

VOICE: Steve gave it to me.

WOMAN: Oh, did he now? Well, he had no business doing that. What can I do for you?

VOICE: I was wondering if you could do me a favour?

WOMAN: What’s that?

VOICE: Well, you know how you’re presenting the miniature to the Duke of Blah on Friday?

(look of horror on WOMAN’s face)

WOMAN: What? How did you get that information?

VOICE: It’s common knowledge. I heard them talking about it in the pub.

WOMAN: Yeah, but the itinerary isn’t public knowledge. You do know, don’t you, I can’t discuss this with anybody, let alone you?

VOICE: I’m not asking you to divulge any information. I just want you to do something for me. As a friend.

WOMAN: Friend?

(WOMAN’s voice is high pitched).

You’re not my friend. We know some of the same people, that’s it.

VOICE: There’s no need to be like that. Please, can you at least hear me out?

WOMAN: Oh God, I don’t like the sound of this. Get this over with.

VOICE: Well, you know how the Duke is really a high ranking member of the Illuminati? And you know how behind their human façade, they’re really shape-shifting lizards?

WOMAN: Well, I don’t see it myself, but yes, I know what you’re referring to.

VOICE: Well, as you know, they love human blood. And they need to drink a lot of it in order to maintain their human form.

(WOMAN rolls eyes)

WOMAN: Whatever you say. So how exactly can I help?

VOICE: Well, I’d like you to do something for me during the presentation. I need you to entice him into exposing himself on camera.

WOMAN: What do you mean expose himself?

VOICE: Well, most of them are very picky. This guy particularly likes small Pictish women.

WOMAN: Ah now, that rules me out. I’m definitely not Pictish. They were quite dark, weren’t they? I’m as pasty as they come. Have you thought about ask-?

VOICE: Close enough, though. You’re small and dark-haired. Two out of three ain’t bad. Anyway, he just won’t be able to help himself and he’ll go into a feeding frenzy. He’ll break into a sweat and start foaming at the mouth.

(WOMAN scratches leg)

WOMAN: Really? And you’ll be there to catch it on camera.

VOICE: Exactly. You got it.

WOMAN: And what would I have to do to get his attention?

VOICE: You just have to stand directly in front of him.

WOMAN: But I’ll probably be doing that anyway. Why the phone call?

VOICE: I have to make sure you know the plan. And there’s one more thing. There’s a word you have to say to him, that’ll set him off. Guaranteed.

WOMAN: A word? What’s that then?

(WOMAN rolls eyes again)

VOICE: I can’t say it over the phone. It’s very powerful. I will have to write it down for you. It has to be said in a certain way.

WOMAN: So, let me get this straight. You want to sacrifice me to the bloodsucking king of the lizard people?

VOICE: Yes.

WOMAN: Do you not think I might have a problem with that?

VOICE: I don’t see why. I think it’s a great idea.

WOMAN: Even so, do you really expect me to feel flattered? Do you think so little of me that you would be prepared to have me eaten in front of a live audience? I find what you’re proposing quite offensive to be honest.

VOICE: But you would be performing a great service to humanity. Besides, there would be too many people there. You’ll be in no real danger.

WOMAN: And what if he follows me home? I won’t be able to rely on the security services then, that’s assuming that they aren’t lizards as well.

VOICE: He won’t.

WOMAN: How do you know?

VOICE: I just do. That’s not their M.O.

WOMAN: Listen, I’d love to help you, Rich, but if you want to take this any further, you’ll have to do a risk assessment first.

VOICE: Risk assessment?

WOMAN: Yes, risk assessment. You have twenty-four hours.

VOICE: What do you mean, risk assessment?

WOMAN: You know, you’ll need to go on site and scope the place out.

VOICE: What, I’ll never manage that. It’s crawling with sniffer dogs. You know I’m allergic.

WOMAN: Hey, that’s your problem. If you want me to do this, I have to know I’m part of a professional operation. I’ll need to know where all the exits are, where the extinguishers are, how many officers I can rely on, if there are any trained medical personnel on site, where the first aid kit is located, stuff like that.

VOICE: Hang on, I’ll need to write this down.

(sound of shuffling)

WOMAN: And I’ll need a bodyguard. My own bodyguard, fully trained in kung-fu and every martial art known to man. Must have all his certificates. I need somebody who’ll take HIM down not ME if things get out of hand.

VOICE: Bodyguard? Where the hell am I going to get a bodyguard?

(clicking sound)

WOMAN: You’re the professional, you work it out. Oh my God, did you just hear that click? They’re on to us. Hey, I can’t stay on the line. Listen, I want it on my desk first thing tomorrow morning. Then my peeps will talk to your peeps. Gotta go. Goodbye.

 

Copyright © M K MacInnes 2016
Image courtesy of cliparts.co
The above transcript is based on actual events.
The names have been, um, changed to protect the, erm, innocent.

The Reference

prayhard

A MAN applied for a job that required three telephone references. Being self-employed, identifying suitable up-to-date referees who were available for comment was not always a straightforward matter, so he asked his live-in girlfriend and former business partner Erica if she could do the honours. To this she agreed.

Three days later, Erica’s mobile phone rang. It was a man who said he was phoning in connection with Roger Duncan.

Old habits die hard. No sooner had she uttered the words “Hang on a minute” and passed the phone to her other half, Erica’s heart smacked the floor. She ran to the nearest wall and banged her head off it, before sloping out of the room and locking herself in the bathroom with every intention of shoving it down the toilet.

By the time she regained her composure and had the courage to show her face, the call had ended. The expression on Roger’s face said it all. For shame, she could not look him in the eye. Maybe if she just burst into tears, that would break the ice.

Just at that very moment, the day’s mail was pushed through the letterbox. Glad of the distraction, Erica rushed to the door to pick it up.

“Well?” barked Roger across the hallway.

No answer.

When Roger went into the hall to investigate, he found Erica bent double, clutching her stomach like she was in agony.

“What the f***?”

Even as Erica pulled herself up to look him in the face, she flapped her hands as though she was having a hot flush. Her face was raw with tears. Each time she tried to get words out of her mouth, she bubbled some more. Roger realised that his girlfriend was having a fit of hysterics.

“What’s so funny?” he bellowed, his face still dead and straight as a steel poker.

Struggling now for breath, Erica held up the brochure she had picked off the floor. Across the front in big bold letters were the words TRY PRAYING

Copyright (c) M K MacInnes 2016